idealistic | IC INBOX {driftfleet}

Right....

[He hesitates a little, fear and dread gnawing at his stomach. But...he's gotta go through with it right? If he doesn't say it now, it might come up later, at a much worse time.]

[Besides, even if his name right now was fake...he really was trying not to live a lie.]

Remember how I told you about how we come from different dimensions- different timelines? And how things happened differently for us? And...remember how we told you about those guys in Exsilium resurrecting people to help them fight - when we were talking about Mithos?

[He swallowed a little]

Well, I didn't lie- I honestly don't know if that guy had been resurrected or brought earlier in time or what, but...I did hold back some information then. About how I knew that they did that.

Truth is...the reason I knew? Is because they resurrected me.

[ he listens and he waits with the patience of a saint, because he can tell this is taking a lot for Kaneis to say. he knows he's definitely a lot more reserved than he was in the past, which meant that whatever happened in this alternate dimension definitely affected him.

so he just listens, nodding and humming in response to his questions even as he continued talking to show that Lloyd is listening. he remembers the conversation well, as though they had it yesterday: knowing that somewhere, in some other planet or dimension, Mithos was brought back to life... it was hard for Lloyd to ignore that.

in fact, the mere mention of it ends up back on the forefront of his mind the moment Kaneis even mentions it. how were those people able to bring him back? they said their kidnappers probably had power that was beyond Origin's capabilities-- but how did they get their hands on such power in the first place? how could they reach through different dimensions and timelines and supposedly bring people back from the dead? if they were able to pull that, who knows what else they could have--

"...The reason I knew? Is because they resurrected me."

...

wait. ]

What...

[ resurrection... he said that those guys resurrected him. he's heard that term thrown around a lot during his travels, mainly from Professor Sage. he's heard it enough times to know what it means to resurrect someone. he's even able to piece two and two together when Kaneis and Flora used the words "resurrect" and "Mithos" in the same sentence: to resurrect some is to bring someone back from...

...he had to have heard that wrong. he probably misunderstood something in that sentence or something. that's usually what happens, right?

"They resurrected me."

or maybe he's joking. it's a messed up joke, but Kaneis — or rather, Zelos — was well-known for his ill-timed jokes. this sort of thing was only the norm, right?

"They resurrected me."

...right? ]

Kaneis, what do you...?

[He'll force himself to look at Lloyd, look at him in the eye from where he's standing. And this time, he'll say it more directly]

I died, back in my world. Before the worlds were ever reunited.

That's...how our dimensions are different. [One of the ways, at least]

...

[ the words echo through his mind with an amazing clarity that Lloyd was sure would have been the same even if he had no angelic hearing. Kaneis died where he was from. in his dimension, Kaneis is dead. this... this has to be a cruel joke. it has to be.

but he's looking at him straight in the eye. he's being serious.

oh god. he can't say anything to that, he can't even bring himself to say anything. what is there to say? no matter what he tries, all he can muster is a slow shake of his head in disbelief. ]

You...

[...Yeah. He knows Lloyd's denial stage when he sees it]

...I'm not making it up.

[His shoulders slump a little]

Look, I'm not really expecting you to do or say anything about it. You're not from my dimension- so it's not really your problem. It was my screw-up, so it's something I'll deal with.

I just...figured since we're on the same ship, it'd be good to tell you before it came up some other way.

[ before he realizes it, Lloyd finds himself stuck at an odd sort of limbo. he's looking at Kaneis, but he's not seeing him. he's hearing him, but he's not listening to what he's saying. his mind is at a standstill as he processes the bombshell that was just given to him.

Kaneis is actually dead.

Kaneis died before the world's were reunited.

Kaneis was resurrected by the same people who brought Mithos back. that's the only reason why he's here.

he can feel the chill from the cold air seep into his skin. part of him wants to tell him that it's okay. his Zelos is fine; he was there for the final battle, he saw the worlds reunite and he saw Yggdrasill being planted and named, he returned to Meltokio to tie up some loose ends, alive and well. but this Zelos... Kaneis, he's from a dimension where Lloyd fucked up. he's not sure how, but apparently at some point he wasn't strong enough to protect his friends, and it cost one of them their life.

he can feel the all-too familiar sting in his eyes, and he has to force himself to blink away the tears. it's then that Kaneis's words actually do manage to process and he can feel an uncomfortable fire start to overtake him when they actually form a meaning in his brain. ]

...Bull.

[He stares at Lloyd, trying to make sense of what he means by that.]

What?

[ he's not sure what exactly caused him to snap. it could have been Kaneis's innocent-sounding "what?". it could have been his reassurances that it wasn't Lloyd's problem because he wasn't from his dimension. it could have been anything really, but somehow, for some reason, it was enough for something in Lloyd to break loose and unleash a rush of everything he felt just from this one conversation.

it's all a dream. ]

That's bullcrap!!

[ his shout actually echoes, causing some snow on the nearby treetops to fall off the branches.

it's all a dream. ]

"It's not really my problem"? "It was your screw-up"?! Kaneis, you're my friend-- I don't care if I'm not from your dimension, of course it's my problem!!

[ he doesn't notice when his hands start to ball up into tight fists, and thankfully he's wearing gloves because otherwise the pressure would have most likely drawn blood.

it's all a dream. ]

The last thing I ever wanted to happen was to have any of you die! I still don't want that to happen, even now! When everyone sacrificed themselves for me back at the Tower, it hurt! I thought I would never see any of them ever again! I was scared, dammit! I care about all of you way too damn much, I never wanted that to happen!

[ it's all a dream. ]

And you're my friend just as much as the Zelos from my dimension: that's the last thing I want from you, too, no matter what!

[ his voice cracks, and he's pretty sure the snow landing on his face started feeling warmer. he doesn't notice how his eyes are stinging full force.

it's not a dream. ]

What the hell happened? What happened, where did I screw up?! Why couldn't I save you?! Why couldn't I stop it from happening?!

[ he chokes back a sob. ] What the hell was I even doing?!

[ it's real. ]

[Lloyd's words struck at him. Part of him had been expecting this. It had been the same with Sheena and Seles after all. Seles had been less articulate and more explosive, but the sentiment had been the same. Sheena...he hadn't stuck around for the initial fall out, he had fled, but every time his death came up he'd see the effects (even if took him a long time to understand why).]

[Even so, it never got easier to see. To see that yet again, he was causing people he cared about pain. That he still didn't know how to stop that pain. Or what he was supposed to do about it]

You didn't do anything! Okay?!

[He found himself shouting back, his own fists clenching - frustrated at that gnawing sense of helplessness he was feeling. If Lloyd was already blaming for himself without knowing the details, there was no way he could tell him how it actually went down. He couldn't do that to this Lloyd. Even if he felt a bit more conflicted about his own Lloyd- it wasn't right to make this guy have to deal with that]

[He bites his lip until he could get himself to stop shouting]

Look- You didn't screw up anything! It was my choice! Completely mine! I thought maybe if I- [No. Don't talk about that stuff.] - It doesn't matter. I was stupid. And wrong. Nothing got better, it just screwed everything up. I know that now.

[He looked away, down at the ground. He felt totally helpless about what to do]

I'm sorry, Lloyd. Okay? I'm sorry.

[ he could barely hold back the shock when Kaneis rose his voice in response. it's not often that Lloyd ever heard Kaneis yell, during their time aboard the fleet or when they were traveling together, so this was definitely unexpected. it stuns him to silence, leaving him unable to interrupt even though he so desperately wanted to-- he was blaming himself for something that Lloyd felt - knew - wasn't his fault.

but when Kaneis apologized, he felt the guilt and sorrow rush through him again. why is he apologizing? why did he have to be the one to say "sorry"? it wasn't his fault. Lloyd should have been able to do something to prevent it-- if anything, the blame should be pinned onto him. he was supposed to be the leader of the group, the one who kept everyone together. if he couldn't even keep one of his friends alive, what kind of leader would that make him?

he felt dread well up within him, and suddenly he felt sick. what if it happened in his dimension? what if, instead of Kaneis, it was his Zelos-- or even anyone else? ]

But-- [ he chokes, shaking his head furiously before looking back at Kaneis. ]

We still could have done something! There had to be a way to spare your life! We could have prevented the whole thing and you would still be alive; you wouldn't have to deal with any of this!

[ there had to have been a way, Lloyd knew there was. his own timeline was proof of that: Zelos is alive, and he's one of Lloyd's closest friends. everything was okay. everyone made it through the final battle. but if everything went right in Lloyd's dimension, why couldn't it be the same for Kaneis? why did he have to lose his life? where did everything go wrong?

it... it wasn't fair. ]

[We could have prevented this whole thing.]

[A scowl forms on his face, and his frustration from his helplessness started to turn to mild anger and irritation. There was no word that Kaneis knew (and he knew a lot of words) that could perfectly describe how tired he was of hearing words like that. Of thinking words like that. Of people throwing around that phrase like it had any meaning. Like it was an actual viable option.]

...What does that even matter? A lot of things that could have been prevented if someone had done something! [Martel, Botta, his parents, Lloyd's mom, Ozette, Palmacosta- the list went on] But it's not like you can go back and change things that have already happened!

[Or should, for that matter. He knew too damn well what the price for changing history was. It was too high. Far too high.]

And at least I'm here now, right? I didn't ask to be brought back, but that counts for something, doesn't it?

[Even if...he still thinks what the Initiative did was beyond wrong. But hey, not like he choose it. ]

Of course it does! It counts for so much, I just...

[ but he's right. there's no point in worrying about the past, simply because it's the past. there were a lot of things that could have been prevented, not just Kaneis's death-- but what's done is done, and there's really no point in worrying about it. all that could really be done was to keep moving forward and to not repeat the same mistake.

he doesn't even know the proper word for it, but right now? Lloyd feels like a goddamn hypocrite. he said the same thing to Raine once, right? when he first got the Eternal Sword, she came up with the hypothetical proposition of going back in time and preventing the whole thing from happening. Lloyd told her to drop the subject, telling her not to focus on the past but to look to the future, that the past shouldn't be tampered with even if they had the power to do so.

now look at him, throwing "could haves", "should haves", and "would haves" around like nothing, and obviously puss in off Kaneis in the process. he's thinking the exact same thing Raine thought without even considering what he said to her first. they're as good as empty like that; if he can't even follow his own words, what good are they? ]

...Dammit! [ he sniffles, bringing a fist to his eyes to wipe at his tears. he's an idiot. a true, bona fide idiot who let his heart get the better of him. he let that sort of thing happen far too much, didn't he? he needed to calm down: breathe in, count to fivw, breathe back out, and then talk. ]

...You're right. You're right, Kaneis. I'm... I'm sorry. [ he gulps, trying to collect himself better. ] ...I really am glad that you're here. I don't know what really happened back then, and you may have never asked to be back, but... I really am glad you're here with me.

[Lloyd backing down in his regret makes Kaneis relax some, the scowl easing from his face.]

...It's fine. [His tone is quieter than the stern tone he had a moment ago] Honestly? It took me maybe over six months to realize that sitting around thinking about how I should've done things differently in the past wasn't doing me any good. [So. You're better off than him really.] Hell, sometimes I still catch myself doing it.

[He turns his back to the view, mostly just so he can pull himself up to sit on the railing, and over to Lloyd.]

And you know...I think I might actually be glad you're here with me too. [That...probably could have come out better, but whatever!]

[ he doesn't really respond, only nodding and rubbing at his cheeks and eyes to clear out any other tears. he's trying to get a hold of himself, and he can already feel the chill on his cheeks being replaced by a burning heat.

that was so embarrassing. it's never a good thing to hear that a friend of yours died in a situation that he only knew as a "what-if", but for him to burst into tears at the thought of it... well, it's not the first time he's cried since he first left Iselia.

at least Kaneis didn't say anything about it. but really, he can't help but ask in a tone that's only barely serious: ]

...You think you might?

[Nah, he won't say anything about the tears. If anything, it makes him feel guilty that he made him cry. Like a residue feeling that tears really should be saved for someone else- someone worth more than a failure like him.]

[But well, at least he's learned to shut up about those arguments]

[At Lloyd's tone, he gives the faintest of smirks before he answers with a single shrug. He could say something sincere here, but he'll instead...try to joke around a little]

Yeah, well you know...hanging around you is really damaging the whole tall, dark and handsome loner image I had going on. Not sure what to make of that.

Edited 2015-01-02 06:01 (UTC)

[ PFFFFFFFFFFFF

turns out that joke was just what they needed to lighten the mood: it manages to catch Lloyd off-guard to where he actually laughs a little, shaking his head at the sheer ridiculousness of the timing. leave it to Kaneis to make ill-timed jokes like that. it's a little sad that to admit that he actually missed those jokes considering his attitude as of late.

he still feels regret about not being able to do something about Kaneis's death, even if he doesn't know the details behind it, but he's still right: what's in the past is in the past. he's here now and that's what matters. ]

--What image?!

[Oh hey, he wasn't actually expecting that to get a laugh out of Lloyd. Not that he's going to complain, in fact the surprise of Lloyd laughing despite the weight of this conversation makes him smile a little.]

You know-! The whole dark, cool loner guy with that's got some troubled past and a weight on his shoulder? [Wait-] Or is it a chip? Eh- whatever. You know what I mean. That guy!

Point is, I thought I was pretty close to getting people to think I was like that, but now you're ruining it.

Edited 2015-01-02 18:21 (UTC)

C'mon, Kaneis. You probably couldn't pull off that sort of image even if I wasn't here.

[ he knows how you really are, don't test him. he sobers up soon enough, though. ]

Besides, there's nothing wrong with not pretending. You don't have to pretend to be someone you're not just to get people to like you. [ that's not what he's trying to do here, Lloyd. ]

[A small snort] Gee, thanks.

[So supportive of you Lloyd. Except, that remark, even if it was meant nicely? Manages to get rid of his joking around. His eyes cast down to the ground beneath his feet and his hands grip onto the rail.]

I...haven't been pretending. [Maybe he lied about some details about his life, but not anything else. He really is just this messed up]

...

[ Lloyd doesn't say anything for a bit, watching as Kaneis deflates with that simple sentence. admittedly, he didn't know much about Zelos even if they've been friends for almost two years, and now even less about Kaneis. but even so, it hurts all the same to see the man before him put himself down because of some dumb decisions he made in the past, whether or not it created a chain of events that led to the end of his life. Lloyd didn't see that: things may have happened differently for him, but Lloyd can tell that he himself is not all that different.

he steps forward, stopping when he's directly in front of Kaneis, and takes in a breath. the cold air is stinging against his throat, but he ignores that. ]

I... Look, I don't know much about your past. You never really told me much, even in my dimension. [ he shakes his head. ] But I know enough about you to know that you're not as bad as you think you are. You act like a jerk sometimes and you do make stupid decisions, but you really are a good person with good intentions. You probably think that you're different from my Zelos because things happened differently in your dimension and you... [ he gulps, as though he's still trying to swallow that bombshell. ] You died because of it, and he didn't.

But I don't think so. I don't think you're all that different from him; you've just been through more stuff than he has, with what happened back home and the war you had to be a part of. [ again, he shakes his head, but this time it ends with a small, reassuring smile. ]

Actually... No matter what, I bet you'd still be a good person, even if you were someone else entirely.

[He's quiet at that for a bit of time. It's...comforting to hear those sorts of words, even if he's not sure he agrees with them. Sure. He tries to do right. Even more so now that he's got to see first hand the consequences his decisions had sown. But...enough to be a good person? He wasn't as sure about that. Not when bad stuff just seem to keep happening with him around.]

[But he eases up a little, especially after that last part, letting out a little sigh]

I really don't know what the answer is, with that whole if I'm the same person or not issue. It even hurts my head if I think about it too much.

[He'll look up to meet Lloyd's eyes.]

But...thanks. I dunno if I fully agree, but...well, at least I'm trying not to screw up as much as I did before.

[He shakes his head.]

Anyway, that's all I wanted to tell you. [At least, it's good enough for now] Even if you aren't the Lloyd I knew, I... Well, I felt you had a right to hear it from me.

And I appreciate it. A lot.

[ he really does. hearing that Kaneis died in a separate timeline was definitely the last thing he wanted to hear, but he appreciates the fact that he actually trusted him enough with this information. the details on his death are still up in the air — what happened, how did it happen, who or what was responsible for taking his life — but Lloyd would gladly wait for him to be ready to reveal the details behind his death.

he steels himself from cringing at the thought. it was still a bitter pill to swallow, and Lloyd only suspected that it would remain that way for a good long while. ]

I bet it probably took a lot for you to admit this.

[If Kaneis had his way? Lloyd would be waiting on those details for the rest of eternity. He doesn't want this guy to know. Not after he already blamed himself just for Kaneis being dead. He's pretty sure there'd be no way to convince him that it wasn't his fault if he knew the full details]

[No. Some things are better left unsaid.]

[But ugh. Don't say nice things like that. He'll pointedly avoid Lloyd's gaze]

Yeah, well you know...[He tries to shrug it off] Whatever. It'd come out sooner or later.

IC INBOX {driftfleet}

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